Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
