girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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