Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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