my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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