My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
