Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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