So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
