Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
