Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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