I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
