Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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