She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
