Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
