Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
