Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
