well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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