Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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