Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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