tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
