Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you didnt know i had herpes?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
