Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
organizing the empties. That sober.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
