I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
