I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
