Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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