you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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