She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
