My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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