I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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