Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
