the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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