You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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