Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
