fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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