I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
