When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
