yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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