3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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