I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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