He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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