cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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