stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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