Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
