I can text with my tongue
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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