I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
