Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
