What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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