I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
