Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
