...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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