The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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