The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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